Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
