he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
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