I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
