I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
