she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Text me some of your sweat
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