Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
