Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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