For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
