ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
