I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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