Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
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