it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
