so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
i now understand why vodka
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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