WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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