Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
