Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Dick very happy bro
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