You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
