Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
