I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I wear drunk well.
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