quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
i wish my penis had a tongue
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
