dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
