Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
