i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
