I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
