When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Are we still banned from the library?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
