I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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