Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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