the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
