Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
