I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
