Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
