your parents love me but you hate me
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
