Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize
