I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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