1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
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I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
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We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
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