I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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