You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
