I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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