Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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