I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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