I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
