My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
