the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
