Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
