Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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