Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Randomize
