...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
