My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
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