Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
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