Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Randomize
