my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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