she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Randomize
