I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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