You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
