The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
