shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
