You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
