First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
There are leaves in my underwear?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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