Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
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