Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Randomize
