Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I just threw up on my dentist
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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