We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
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I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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